How am I?
If you asked me that this month on the 5th, 7th, 14th, 18th, 20th, or 21st, I might say “okay” or “bad.” Those are the days I cried. The first time I cried this month was when I found out my roommate from Singapore passed away. Every subsequent time I cried this month is from that memory and grief.
But overall, if you asked me “how am I” in my life, I am trending towards ferocious happiness. I am learning to love life again. If not of my own life, then for the life of others – so that I never forget to remind people I love that the matter.
I admit there are lapses of loneliness, grief, sadness, disappointment – like all things in life should be. I try to alleviate my suffering but I have been unable to find a cure for it entirely.
It is a cruel reality for a person who is agnostic when given no answer to this existential question of suffering. But in the face of suffering, I have found not religion, but compassion, love, friendship, happiness, and hope.